Peer-Reviewed Cat Science
Cats sleep 16 hours a day, which scientists describe as "a great idea actually."
If it fits, a cat sits. This is a natural law, as binding as gravity and equally unexplained.
Cats can hear a can opener from 3 floors away but cannot hear their name being called from 2 feet away.
The optimal time for a cat to run full speed through your house for no reason is 3:00 AM precisely.
Cats are drawn to warm laptops because they are jealous of the attention you give to something that isn't them.
A cat knocking something off a table is not an accident. It is a demonstration of power. The item is a message.
Formal Grievances Filed by Local Cats
- The food bowl was 15% less full than usual on the morning of Tuesday. Legal action is being considered.
- The human picked up a different cat at PetSmart. I was not consulted. I have not forgotten.
- A vacuum cleaner was operated without sufficient warning. Emotional damages estimated at $4,000.
- The door was closed. I did not want to come in. I wanted the door to be open. These are not contradictions.
- The human moved during the night, disturbing a perfectly positioned sleeping arrangement that took 45 minutes to optimize.
- I was given a $40 cat toy. I played with the bag it came in. I am filing no grievance. I am simply noting this for the record.
- The dog looked at me.
Recent Research
The 3AM Zoomies: A Longitudinal Study of Completely Unnecessary Energy Expenditure
Researchers tracked 47 domestic cats over 18 months and found that 100% of sprint activity occurred within 2 hours of the household reaching peak quietness. "The cats had plenty of opportunity to do this at 2pm," noted lead researcher Dr. Chen. "They chose not to."
Occupying the Exact Center of a King-Size Bed: Spatial Optimization or Dominance Display?
A 9-pound tabby named Gerald was observed occupying 78% of a 76-inch wide mattress for 11 consecutive nights. When displaced to a $200 orthopedic cat bed purchased specifically for this purpose, Gerald returned to the king mattress within 4 minutes. The cat bed is now used as a hat.
"Chirping" at Birds Through Glass: An Analysis of Hunting Strategy vs. Pure Delusion
Study subjects were presented with birds visible through a closed window. All subjects responded with animated chirping sounds and crouching postures despite zero successful hunts recorded in 3,200 hours of observation. Cats were unavailable for comment as they were asleep.
Cat Horoscopes
Your cat's destiny, as determined by the stars and their attitude toward you personally.
Today is a good day to knock over a glass of water you had been watching for several minutes.
You will be fed at 7am instead of 6:58am. Begin yelling at 5am as a precaution.
You will aggressively demand affection, receive it, and immediately leave. Twice.
A cardboard box will enter your life. This is the best thing that has ever happened.
You already know you are the main character. Today confirms it. You were right.
You will find one (1) acceptable spot in the entire house. It is on someone's face.
You will be unable to decide between two identical food bowls for eleven minutes.
You remember what they did. You are choosing when to act. They don't know this.